January

January is probably my least favourite month.

Maybe it’s the post-holiday letdown, or the whole “getting back to the grind” thing – those likely have as much to do with it as does the weather (cold, dark with slowly-lenthening days, dreary). Whatever it is, I’m feeling a distinct sense of disquiet, as though something’s amiss. The feeling that right at this moment, I’m missing out on something and I’ll only remember what it is post facto.

Without getting into specifics, I’ve been dealing with some major anxiety as of late. I’m sitting with it, trying to observe it without reasoning with it or rationalizing it – I know it’s all irrational on an intellectual level, but the fact that there’s a large piece of my brain (another level) trying to convince me that I’m a most horrid human being is a bit trying when you’re attempting to go about your day-to-day existence.

I’ve been working a lot recently – close to full time hours, while attending school full time (of course). The busyness helps, as has taking some yoga and fitness classes. My course load feels is lighter – only one lab course, and it all takes place in the gym.

I’m still working on figuring out what I want, and primordially what I need – but the only thing I’ve figured out there is that I don’t need to be working so hard and so much. Oh, and also, that I’m (still) craving a season of rest – that is badly needed. That feels like an impossibility for the unforeseeable future. It’s a cycle – I need this workload to cope with this anxiety, but the workload itself generates more of the latter. I’m working through it one step at a time. Trying to be patient. I’ve started so many things, I can’t possibly leave them half-finished, and nor do I particularly want to.

Since that was a bit of a downer beginning to this post, I’m now going to list some of the things I actually do like about January:

Skating

– Skating on Ramsay lake

– Lengthening days (slowly but surely!)

– Alpine skiing

– The start of a new school semester (under four months until summer break!)

– The star of a new year + the motivation for change (however short lived) that comes with

– Multiple birthdays to celebrate